A Gallery of Words....

The smell of fall....

2011-09-07T10:06:00.000-05:00

It was chilly this morning when I walked outside this morning to get the paper. Uh oh, <---that sentence makes me feel old. When did I become old enough to live in my own place (with a roommate), where I pay bills and get the paper every morning that I hurriedly look at while drinking what I would like to be coffee but is usually juice because I don't get up early enough to make my coffee? Anyways, I digress...

But it was chilly. A crisp 61 degrees. The definition of PERFECT in my book. I was so excited, I just stood there for a second, not caring that my pink and yellow flannel pj pants completely clashed with my blue tank-top, or that my bed head was very, well, bed-heady. I was so excited that for a brief moment, I forgot I lived in South Carolina. It felt like a Michigan fall morning. Would you believe that? Crazy right?

Anyways, along with cool mornings comes apple orchards and cider mills and bonfires and walks in the woods and (now that I live in the South) maybe even walks at the beach (although it may be a bit too cold to swim haha). I love fall. My heart gets so happy in the fall. I love the excitement over football and baseball (can't believe how GREAT my Tigers are doing, ps :) ). I love time with friends. I love the excitement that Christmas is coming soon, but isn't here yet. I LOVE 1/2 cinnamon dulce, 1/2 vanilla lattes (Seriously. They taste like fall is coming alive, in your mouth. Try it. It's sooo good). I just feel like going outside and yelling I LOVE FALL :)

Anyways, this post doesn't have much of a point, except to allow me to rant about how much I love fall so that my friends here don't have to listen to me talk about it non-stop. Life is good. Things are starting to pick up a bit, but I'm determined to do things one day at time, taking each thing as it comes at me. The slightly lighter work load is good. It's refreshing. It's allowing me to stay on top of things. I'm breathing with a little more ease, I'm making time for myself (and other fun things :) ) and overall, I just feel a breath of renewal. I'm thankful for mornings like this. I'm thankful that even on the day I feel crazy stressed, He reminds me of mornings like this one, and whispers with His still, small voice that I am still His, He has me in the palm of His hands, and sometimes, He even sends a crisp fall morning to Aiken, South Carolina just for me :)

I am...

2011-08-24T16:22:00.000-05:00

I'm sitting at Atlanta Bread reading my textbooks. My Social Psychology book had us do an exercise that simply has us write "I am" at the top of our page, and then fill it in 20 times. I thought I'd blog my responses. They give more insight into where I am right now than any other post I could write.

I AM...
* a daughter of God

* overwhelmed by all that life demands right now

* feeling hopeful

* seeking

* loved beyond my failures

* excited and grateful to be starting a new job

* a friend

* a sister and aunt

* far away from my family, but so thankful for things like Skype that make it a bit easier to "See" them

* Weighed down by health problems that affect my life in big ways sometimes

* Stronger than I was a year ago

* Finding restoration and freedom in accountability and community

* More shy/introverted that I thought I was

* Encouraged by a smile from a stranger

* Going to be a great mom some day

* Learning to embrace ALL that God has called me to be

* Uncertain of where my life will lead, but confident in the One who is leading it

* trying to choose each day to look at my blessings and choose joy over sadness, peace over worry, and
gratefulness over despair

* excited about new possibilities that have began to be known

*entirely grateful for these moments, these days, that I'm walking through, even amidst the hardships

So, what are you?

Dear 16 year old me...

2011-06-25T22:50:00.000-05:00

Dear 16 year old Brittany,

Life is incredible. You're busy now, high school is busy for you, but enjoy the moments. Savor the time with your friends. You have incredible friends. Some of those friends, well, you'll lose touch. But some of them, a special few, will remain by your side for a long time....possibly forever. They'll be on the other end of the phone after your first real heartbreak. They'll listen to you freak out because you don't want to go to college far away. You'll be there for them through breakups. You'll watch some of them get married and have babies. And although you won't be in the same place they are yet, you'll be so incredibly happy for them. They will help to continue to shape who you are...so continue to pour into their lives, and let them pour into yours. Never take them for granted.
Although you don't know it right now, your family is the most incredible thing in your life. Although you want to roll your eyes at me right now, its true. You don't see it now because you're too busy fighting with your parents all the time, but trust me, you will. You'll see that you don't know everything, and that although it may not always feel like it, they really do want what's best for you. You're going to regret how much you argued, how much you fought, but know that it's only made your relationship with them stronger now. When you get sick your senior year, you're mom will become your rock. She'll be at every appointment with you, cry with you, and remind you of how strong you are, even when you don't feel it. You're blessed more than you know you are.
Your little sister will become one of your closest friends. You'll laugh together, cry together, and watch her grow into an incredibly passionate young woman of God. You'll be amazed at how smart she is, and her compassion will leave you speechless. Bethany will be the best support you could have while at Olivet. She'll have you over to scrapbook and watch movies and just to "Get away" from school. She'll get married to a great guy, who loves her unconditionally, and they'll have the most incredible little girl in the world. She'll steal your heart from the moment she's born, and when she says things like "Itney, I love you this big much", your heart will melt. Soak in those moments. There aren't enough of them.
You'll go to the Bahamas twice for work/youth trips. You'll leave your heart there with the kids you work with at the churches. You'll feel this constant tugging on your heart to do some sort of mission work, even though that's the one thing you told God you NEVER wanted to do. You won't know right away what that looks like, but NEVER let that passion die. Remember the moment you felt called, the moment you KNEW you were put on this earth to do something bigger than what you thought possible. Remember the promise you make to pursue all God has for you, regardless of how scary that can be.

You'll be amazed by your own bravery, even when you're scared out of your mind. You'll never believe me now, but you're actually going to move to South Carolina for Grad school. GRAD SCHOOL. Yes, you. It'll be the hardest, craziest, most challenging period of your life. But you'll make it. You'll thrive, even on the days you feel you're hanging on by a pinky finger. Your health will be a constant roller-coaster, but on the bad days, remember mom and dad are only a phone call away. You'll find a good church while you're there. The smallness of the church will scare you at first. You're used to big churches, to just fading into the crowd. You won't be able to do that there, which will scare you to death, but it'll be good. They'll challenge you, love you, and walk with you through the hard moments of your life. Embrace those moments, and although it's scary, let them in. Don't put up walls. Walls are really hard to tear down.

You'll have moments, days even, when you doubt all you know and all you are. In those moments, never forget where you came from, the people who love you, and the experiences that have shaped who you are. You'll make it. Through the heartbreaks that made your heart literally ache, through the health scares that leave you shaking like a little girl, through all-nighters, through 30 page research papers, through being an Resident Assistant for 3 years, never forget the one who is carrying you. Through fights with roommates, through roommate movie nights, through a scary car accident, through your grandma's cancer, through touch decisions between grad school and the opportunity to teach, through moving 16 hours away from your family, through working full time and going to school full time, through loving life and hating the heat in the South, never forget who is standing on the sidelines, cheering you on with each step.

And never, ever, lose your passion. Never settle. Don't grow complacent. Keep fighting. Keep moving. Keep seeking.

I'm rooting for you.

Love,

The 23-year-old you

Full heart and a lack of words...

2011-06-20T11:28:00.001-05:00

I've had this overwhelming sense of needing, wanting, to write lately. Every day for the last week and a half, I've had all these thoughts swarming in my head about things to write about. But now, as I sit here, I'm not sure what to write. I've got heavy things on my heart. I've got happiness and good things to update on. I've got fears and struggles and worries to write about. I've got a longing in my heart that is pressing me...that's something I really want to write about. All of these things I can and should touch on, should explain, should explore.

But when I sit here at stare at my screen, and get ready to write,my mind won't stop long enough to write. It won't stop throwing things at me to write. I can't take one of those things to write about. When I do, it comes out a jumbled mess of all of it. So instead of sitting here being frustrated by it all, I'm going to go sit. In the quiet. In the stillness. I need to relearn what it means to hear His voice above the others...

"I’m turning the world off

Embracing the silence
Walking away from all the voices
That are Screaming in my ear

I've been too caught up
I've been so stressed out
All of the noise replaced the whisper
That used to be so clear

And I'm in Your arms
Where I belong
There's no other place for me
Than right where You are
Some things just don't change
When I call Your name
You never hesitate to wrap me in endless grace
When I'm in Your arms"
-Merideth Andrews

Overdue

2010-09-29T10:22:00.001-05:00

To say it's time for an update is an understatement. I've gotten really bad at this whole blog, mainly becuase its really hard for me to find the time to update it. But I really am still alive and fully functioning (well, mostly anyways ;) ).

Things are going pretty well. I've been fighting an awful cold, sickness, something...for the last few days, but I finally feel like I'm on the upswing of it. I feel a little better today and my fever's been gone for 24 hours now, so I'm hoping it's leaving and staying away :)

Work is going fine (at the childcare). I've found I have a new love for the 4K classrooms. Thursdays are my favorite days becuase I get to work with them after naptime until close. They are so full of life and energy and joy, it's contagious! I love it. My Spanish classes I'm teaching are also going well. It's hard becuase I only have each class for 1/2 each week, but it seems to be sinking in somewhat, so I'm hoping what they're learning really is making sense and sticking with them :)

I LOVE my assistantship every morning, despite the early factor. The little boy I get to work with is autistic and I work with him with his own Applied Behavioral Treatment plan. It's incredible. He's so sweet (when He wants to be) and although we have hard days full of kicking and other things that aren't so enjoyable, the moments he gets something or makes progress make it all worth it :)

Classes are keeping me busy. I'm struggling through Psychopathology, but really enjoying my Theories and Techniques class as well as my ethics class. Grad school is hard. Working essentially full time plus grad school is harder. But I'm making it, taking one day at a time :)

I wanted to put some pictures from when my family moved me down here in August (I KNOW, I'm BEHIND haha). They were taken at Hopeland Gardens which is this beautiful park by my house. Ben and Ang took my family out for the night to show them around Aiken and we ended up at the park. Enjoy the pictures :) I look forward to the day they come back to visit so we can take more :)

I miss her so much it's crazy...

Stopping for a moment at the gazebo

Mom and I

I don't have many pictures with my dad and I, so this is a treasured one...

Silly faces with Dylan as we walked around...

Dylan wanted to ride with us and take goofy pictures haha

I'm blessed with an incredible family! Come back down here soon :)

Continuing to walk...

It's a journey...

2010-09-11T14:20:00.000-05:00

I'm sick of the up and downs. As I was thinking about posting this afternoon, I almost didn't becuase I didn't want to post ANOTHER post about missing home. But then I thought about it. It's where I'm at and I'm going to post it anyways...

I sometimes feel bad talking about how much I miss home. I've got some GREAT people here, surrounding me, becoming my community. I am so thankful for the moments I spend with them on game nights and Sundays and other random times throughout the weeks. Grateful for what God has blessed me with through them but in reality, I just miss my home. I miss my family. I miss my friends. I miss calling someone and saying, hey, lets go to the park. Let's go to starbucks. Come over and watch a movie....

I went downtown today for a little while to this festival we have here called "Aiken's Makin". It was really neat to see all the vendors and how big of a deal it is around here. But I went by myself. I couldn't help but think the whole time I was there how much Katie would have liked one vendor, or how much my little sister would have liked a necklace I saw, or how cute Raegan would have looked in a specific dress, etc. It's just the stuff like that that makes me miss home that much more. I'm thankful the missing home seems to come in waves simply becuase most days are really good and I'm doing well. But the days like today, when the missing home seems to hit in a big way, almost seem unbearable. It's just hard. I'm thankful I know that when it's gone, it'll be ok again, but in the midst of it, its just hard.

I know it'll get easier. In reality, I've only been here a little over a month. And I promise, I really do like it. My next post will be about all the things I love and my job(s) and my apartment and the running track I found and my church and all the reasons I'm so thankful that I'm here. I realized I haven't shared much about my new home, so that's my goal for my next post. Today though, this girl is missing home. It's a journey. I'm continuing to walk, trusting that each day He's providing exactly what I need. Days like today make that harder than others, but I'll keep walking...

I made it :)

2010-08-28T09:18:00.001-05:00

My title says it all. I made it through my first week of craziness. I made it through all the "firsts" for this semester. I made it through every class, every day of work, my assistantship each morning, and my first week of being an actual Spanish teacher. And I loved it. Well, most of it ;)

My classes are hard and overwhelming and will keep me busy without a doubt. But I love my assistantship. I am working in the local school district with kids with autism, helping to work on their own specific ABT (Applied behavior treatment plans). It's hard and draining on some days, but it is incredibly rewarding. It is incredible to see the progress they make each day, and such an incredible and invaluable experience for me.

The childcare is also going pretty well. I've had to change my schedule what feels like a million times, but my boss has been incredibly gracious with me about it all. I enjoy working there. The kids are fun and sweet and their little southern accents melt my heart :) I still am very much the new person though, having to ask pretty much about everything. I don't like not knowing the process for the day or the way they do things or the general way the days go. I'll get it eventually I hope!

Yesterday was my first day of teaching Spanish. I was so nervous about it because my curriculum that Pastor David ordered still wasn't in, so I just spent the day reviewing and introducing myself and doing my best to get to know each of the kids. They are so incredibly sweet and full of life and energy and questions! The aid that brings each class to me and takes them back to their rooms after class is over came back in to my room at the end of the day and told me that all the kids loved it! She said last year they hated going to Spanish and would complain about it every week, but they all said they were excited for next Friday! That made me so excited simply becuase I'm looking forward to next Friday too!

While the week was a good one, I was so thankful it was Friday. My body is STILL adjusting to the heat, the new schedule and the craziness that this semester will be. I'm beyond grateful for the weekend! I let myself sleep in a little bit (since during the week my days all begin at 5:45 when the alarm goes off) and now I'm getting ready to head to Polo Grounds Coffee Shop to sit and read my books for class. It's not the most exciting of days, but I'm thankful for a slow pace. I may even go sit by the pool when I get back! Jealous? I would be ;)

I'm continuing to walk on this new journey He's brought me on. Some days I love it, others I have to struggle through it. Regardless, this is where He has me, and I wouldn't want to be anywhere else...

Anticipation and fear

2010-08-17T10:00:00.000-05:00

The past week seems to have flown by like a whirlwind of change. It's been a good few weeks down here, full of life and productivity and change and excitement and accomplishment. After spending the last two weeks getting everything done that I needed to accomplish in order to start school and work and my assistantship, I spent yesterday at the beach to "celebrate" my last free day for a while. Angela and I went up to the Isle of Palms (it's about 2.5 hours away from here) and just spent the day in the ocean and on the beach. It was beautiful weather, the sunshine felt incredible on my face and the rest was needed since today launches me into what will be one of the busiest seasons (that will last about 3 years) of my life.

This week is a big week. More than that, today is a big day. I have my orientation for grad school this afternoon starting at about 12 and going until about 6:00. I'm nervous. I'm more nervous than I've been in a LONG time. I know I was nervous to go to Olivet. I know I was anxious and maybe even a little bit fearful to move down here. But I don't know if I've ever felt this anxious about one particular thing. I'm afraid I won't be able to handle the stress of my classes, my job and my assistantship. I'm afraid I won't be able to give my best to all three (4 if you include the spanish classes I'll be teaching) things. I'm just nervous.

I know I can't do this on my own. I also know I wasn't meant to. I just get so nervous, so uncomfortable around people I don't know and around new things. I'm ready for orientation to be over and to have started in on my schedule so I can just get used to the swing of things. I'm just ready for "normalcy".

I'm praying Jesus remains my foundation today. Praying he is the solid ground I need to stand on today and through this whole process. I don't want to go in to this with fear and nervousness, but with confidence this is where he has called me and where he has me. I'm trusting. In the middle of my fear and anxiousness and the unknown, I'm walking where He's called me, and trusting and knowing He's walking beside me.

"Hold me Jesus, I'm shaking like a leaf. You have been my king of glory, now won't you be my prince of peace..."

Painting Pictures of Egypt

2010-07-29T10:11:00.002-05:00

"I don't want to leave here, I don’t want to stay. It feels like pinching to me either way.

The places I long for the most are the places where I’ve been. They are calling after me like a long lost friend.

It’s not about losing faith, It’s not about trust. It’s all about comfortable, When you move so much. The place I was wasn’t perfect, But I had found a way to live. It wasn’t milk or honey
But then neither is this.

CHORUS:
I’ve been painting pictures of Egypt, leaving out what it lacked.
The future seems so hard, and I want to go back.
But the places that used to fit me cannot hold the things I"ve learned.
And those roads closed off to me while my back was turned.

The past is so tangible, I know it by heart. Familiar things are never easy to discard.
I was dying for some freedom, but now I hesitate to go.
Caught between the promise, and the things I know..."

Not much to go along with this entry today. This song just seems to be perfect for where I'm at right now. While I loved Olivet, I was never ever excited to go back each semester (was good once I got there, but preparing to have to go back was never fun for me). But today, as I'm trying to get things packed and loose ends tied up here, I find myself wishing I was just going back to Olivet instead of moving 14 hours away. I'm excited, I really am, but it's like the song says,

" The past is so tangible, I know it by heart. Familiar things are never easy to discard. I was dying for some freedom, but now I hesitate to go.Caught between the promise, and the things I know..."

"It's not goodbye. It's see you later..."

2010-07-06T09:15:00.004-05:00

I hate goodbyes. That's all there is to it. I'm bad at them. They make me sad. I don't usually say what I want to. Instead I say as little as possible while trying to not cry. This morning wasn't any different.

I had a great weekend in Toledo, as always. We actually were quite busy but a good busy. Friday night was pretty low key which I think we all needed. Saturday night we went to Kyle's family's house for a cook-out and fireworks. Jerran and I learned way too quickly that we are awful at corn hole, but were actually pretty good at ladder golf :) Next time, we'll be on a team and take Thomas and Alisha down ;) The fireworks were great and fun to see. We were all exhausted by the time we got home Saturday night, but Thomas and Alisha (until she fell asleep ;) ) and I ended up having a much needed and encouraging conversation. I forgot how much I miss those conversations.

Kyle lead worship on Sunday. He even ended with "Living Rain" which I love so much. It was great. Sunday afternon we all napped as usual (Love that tradition :) ) and then played a game. Sunday night was complete with a firework show put on by their neighbors that actually wasn't too bad. It was fun to watch, but the sparkler "bomb" (it really wasn't a bomb, no worries) was more entertaining to watch as Kyle and Thomas were so excited to make it. Boys will by boys, right?

Yesterday was full of sleeping in, yard work and then meeting Alisha and Jerran at the zoo since they had to work. It was an awesome 97 degrees while we were there, so we didn't last too long. But it was fun none the less. Alisha and Jerran and I watched the Bachelorette of course last night, and it was fun to watch it WITH them instead of having to text them about it all!

The car ride home this morning was bitter sweet. I thought a lot about the last four years. I thought about the friendship with Thomas that started four years ago and all that these four years have brought. I laughed as I remembered some things and fought back tears as I thought about others. I cried a little bit (I'm proud to say I wasn't a blubbering mess driving down the expressway (us women drivers are bad enough, I didn't need tears getting in the way too, right Thomas? :-P ) as the realization of what the distance will mean began to really set in. But most of all, I drove home in awe of how truly grateful I have been and am for the crucial role they have played in my life.

All in all, it was a great weekend. It was full of fun, relaxation, laughing at inside jokes, sunshine and good memories. I always feel so refreshed after those weekends. Thank you Thomas, Alisha and Kyle (and Jerran too) for always being a weekend of refreshment. I love you guys and am so grateful for each of you. Thanks for always being ears to listen, hearts that are open and friends that are unforgettable. And as much as I hated how hard it is, thank you for being friends that are SO HARD to say goodbye to.

A few weeks later...

2010-07-01T17:41:00.000-05:00

"A few more weeks and I'll be walking again :)"

I'm so glad I can say it's been a few more weeks and I'm walking again! It's a slow-go, and I walk with a limp, but I'm walking. It's wonderful. I'm so thankful it healed (there was some issues in the middle of the healing process that threatened to leave me with another "mini-surgery" on my toe and a lot more time on crutches but thankfully it ended up being ok) and healed better than expected. The best news about the whole surgery is the fact that in a few months, I'll be allowed to slowly start running again. I can't even begin to explain how excited that makes me, seeing as originally my doctor didn't think I'd be able to run on it at all anymore. Running is not only exercise for me, its crucial for my overall health, sugar levels, etc, and really it's such a refreshing time for me. So excited at the thought of being able to run again, and more than that, run without it hurting for the first time in four years!!!

On another note, its been a busy few weeks. I spent countless hours job hunting (I got a job at a daycare, doing what I love! It's an incredible blessing and cool story with how it came about. Reminds me so much that even in the midst of my own busyness and worry, God is working and providing and leading!), looking up insurance, dealing with loans, and doing all the stuff that comes with being a "grown up". It's scary and can be extremely overwhelming, but I'm tackling each thing at a time, trusting and doing all I can to be prepared for this move. I've also learned how important it is to sometimes just walk away for a little while, refusing to allow these things and fear to overcome and control me.

I can't believe that in less than a month, I will be packing up my things, driving 13 hours away and moving into a new apartment in a brand new place! I'm beyond excited, but as the day gets closer, I'm getting more and more anxious. It's become a daily surrender for me to have to REFUSE to allow my fear and the unknown overshadow the excitement and anticipation for where God is leading me.

As the day approaches, the thoughts of Goodbyes are becoming reality and getting harder to swallow. I know it's not goodbye but rather "see you later", but it's still hard. On that same note, I'm headed to Toledo tomorrow for the last time for a long time. I'm going to spend the weekend with some friends who have become like family. It'll be the last time I see them before I move, and if I'm being realistic, it'll be the last time I see them for a long time. I'm excited about the weekend with them, but dreading it also becuase I know that come Monday, goodbyes will have to be said. I feel like this weekend kind of "kicks off" (don't know how else to word that) a series of Goodbyes that are going to be so hard to say. Thankful I'll get to spend one last weekend with them, but not wanting to have to say goodbye. I want to be able to enjoy the weekend rather than think about saying goodbye, but that's something I'm struggling with, even here at home. It's been harder and harder not to think about what little time I have left here. Overall, it's a huge blessing that I've been blessed with such incredible friends and family. I'm glad its hard to say good bye (as funny as that sounds) becuase it reminds me how truly thankful I am for the role that each person I have to say goodbye to has played. It's just so hard to fully wrap my mind around....

On another note, I'm relearning what it means to rest in Him. I'm learning that being "still" before the Lord is not the same thing as "doing nothing". It's been a hard concept to learn, and a harder one to practice. I'm so guilty of either keeping myself so busy that I miss what God is trying to do and teach me or "resting" so much in Him that I get lazy and apathetic in my walk. The balance is hard, but one we're called to live. I'm learning. It's a process, but a good one...

My prayer is that as the end of the month approaches (probably a little bit quicker than I'd like it to), I truly come to learn, and live out, what it means to truly "Be still and know that HE is God..."

Couldn't wait to get going, yet wasn't quite ready to leave...

2010-06-08T12:47:00.002-05:00

Since my surgery, I've had quite a bit of down time. I can't really do much, so I've had plenty of time to think and just "be still". It's been good and relaxing at times, yet other times, it's driven me crazy. I'm not the type of person to just sit around and do nothing....I'm active and productive and full of life...oh well. A few more weeks and I'll be walking again :)

On another note, all this down time has given me a lot of time to begin to truly process out what this upcoming move means for me. The closer it gets, the more scared I become.

Despite a crazy crazy job search that's been going on for months now, I still don't have a job lined up. I know I need to be trusting, and I'm trying, I just know that I honestly can't move down there without a job. Financially I won't be able to do it for a month, let alone longer than that. I'm scared to be so far away from my family. While being at Olivet prepared me for that somewhat, there was always family somewhat close to me. I know I'll be ok, it's just going to be a struggle to not be able to go home for the weekend or see my niece whenever I want or need to. I told my mom the other day that although I may be more than a few hours away, I'm still a phone call close. I need to remind myself of that daily...

I think my biggest struggle/fear right now though has to do with the community aspect. I'm beyond excited for the new community of people I'm going to be with in Aiken. The thing that I'm struggling with though is the community that I'm leaving behind here. While I know God has been preparing me and continues to prepare me for this move, the majority of my dearest and closest friends are here. The people that I've walked through life with, cried with, struggled with, laughed with and grown with are here. I know emails and internet and phone calls will keep us connected and keep them a part of my life, I'm just struggling with knowing that I'm going to have to uproot myself from the community I have with them.Over the last few years, there are people here that have become like family. Katie, Amy, Kristin (who will actually be in TN so she'll at least be closer :) ), Thomas, Alisha, Kyle and a few others have become my community here. These five or six years have been such a crucial time in my life, a time of growing, stretching, rebuilding, restoring and renewing. Though it's been in different ways and in different times, these people have allowed me to grow, have challenged me, have stretched me, etc. I've become vulnerable and transparent with them, which isn't an easy thing for me to do. I'm just struggling with the knowledge that this move will challenge me and require me to become vulnerable with a whole new group of people. I know that's healthy and needed and will be an incredible thing that God uses to do so much. I'm just having a hard time with the thought of saying goodbye...

Despite my fears, I'm actually very very excited about it. I'm excited about grad school and being closer to finally being able to be a counselor. I'm excited about the community of people I will surrounded by. I'm excited by all the Ebeneezer's is doing and going to do. I'm excited to live with Becky, an incredible young woman who is truly seeking after God's own heart. I'm excited about finding more about who I truly am and what God's called me to be. I'm excited to be stretched and grown. I'm excited about living in community with a group of people who want God's will for their lives more than anything else. I'm looking forward to being surrounded by an encouraging group of young men and women who are not only seeking God's will, but who are truly working to be the hands and feet of Christ. I'm excited and I'm expectant of all God's going to do...

I'm looking forward to being there, to all God has for me...It's just the leaving part that's going to be hard. There's a line in the song "American Honey" that seems to describe where I'm at perfectly...

"Couldn't wait to get going, yet wasn't quite ready to leave...."

I can't believe it...

2010-05-27T21:15:00.000-05:00

Wow. It's been a long time since I've updated. I feel like my last month has been a complete whirlwind of emotions, time and energy. I can't believe I finished and graduated from Olivet. I don't know where four years went? I can't believe I've been home for a little more than two weeks already. I can't believe I'm having another foot surgery next week?! I'm glad it's getting done. My foot gets worse everyday, but I'm just not looking forward to the crutches and the hassle and the lack of working that my next four weeks will bring :(

I can't believe how big some of "babies" at work have gotten. The little guys who started when I did three years ago are in the two year old classrooms now. That's so crazy to me. They are talking and laughing and so much fun. And Alex still calls my Bridgette :)

Most importantly. I can't believe that in approximately two months, I will be packing up (the things I'm STILL working to unpack now haha), driving 13 hours and moving to South Carolina. My decision between going to grad school this fall at the University of South Carolina (Aiken campus) or doing Teach for America in Detroit was such a hard process. But I have peace. And although there is some fear of the unknown, I'm excited....more on that later :)

That's all I have for now. I have to teach in the morning then it's off to Toledo for the weekend. A good friend of mine is preaching at his church on Sunday, so I'm headed down to spend the weekend with them :) But for now, its almost bed time for this tired girl. Have a happy Memorial Weekend :)

Just Checking In

2010-04-21T09:35:00.000-05:00

I'm alive, I really am, just busy with trying to finish everything that needs done in these next few weeks!!

I can't believe I am done in a week and a half. I really don't know where College went!! I fly out to South Carolina on Friday. I can't wait! I'm so excited to get to spend some time with Angela and to be able to meet with my advisor for Grad school.

Praying for clarity and peace of mind as I have to make a decision between Teach for America and grad school by next week....

Of a childlike faith...

2010-03-01T18:30:00.001-06:00

"You're calling me to lay aside the worries of my day, to quiet down my busy mind, to find my hiding place....Of a childlike faith, of my honest praise. Of my unashamed love. Of a holy life. Of a sacrifice. Of my unashamed love..."

An old song, yet one I love so much. Love the simplicity of it. Love the vulnerability in it.

It's been in my head all day long. As a result, I've been seeking what it means to truly be of a 'Childlike faith'...

How do we hold a childlike faith? What is childlike faith? To trust with out questions? To know you're loved without asking why? To walk boldly where you father leads because you trust Him?

I feel like so often this term is associated with a naivety, a simplicity. That doesn't make sense to me. It doesn't fit with the relationship with Christ that we get a glimpse of in scripture. Over and over again in Psalms, David essentially tells us how personal and interactive our faith can be. Solomon speaks about how crucial wisdom is. Those seem to speak the opposite of being naive or simple.

I don't really have answers...just something I'm seeking, digging into, searching for...

Running into truth...

2010-02-24T20:58:00.001-06:00

Well, today started off crazy. For about 5 minutes. Then it got much better, thanks to a simple, yet easily forgettable truth. Let me explain.

I woke up about 2 hours late today. I didn't miss class or anything, just missed my time to run and work on the two papers I have due tomorrow. So I was frustrated and in a bad mood already when I got out of bed and sat down at my computer. I checked the email, checked facebook (well, i know. My priorities aren't doing so hot if thats the first thing I do in the morning...). Anyways, the first thing I saw was this:

"Have you spent quality time in communion with the Holy Spirit today, being still and simply knowing that He is your God?" ...B, that's for YOU!

Thomas had posted this as his status. Ever since we've been friends, Psalm 46:10 which says "Be still and know that I am God" has been a verse that both of us have clung to, forgotten, reclung to, reminded each other of, etc. So when I read it, I was like, hm....nice thought. Thanks for the reminder Thomas.

Then, I read it again....

The second time I read it, it hit me. I was late waking up, yet the first thing I did was sit down on facebook? Worse than that, I was going to simply skip my devotion time today because "I didn't have time". Wow. I didn't have time for that, but I could sit on facebook??

*Enter Jesus here, telling me he just wanted me to sit in the stillness and be with him...*

I got off the computer. I got my bible. I got my journal. He wanted me, in the silence, in the stillness, in the uncomfortable quiet. He wanted me to be in Holy Communion with Him. He wanted me to be still..."simply knowing that He is your God..."

Man, how I needed that. I needed it badly. My time with him, the stillness, the quiet, the holiness I encountered was incredible. It was restoring. It was refreshing. It was just. what. I. needed....

I am now challenging you in the same way a dear friend challenged me today. I came away from my time renewed and refreshed. How different will you be? So I ask you this:

Have you spent quality time in communion with the Holy Spirit today, being still and simply knowing that He is your God?" ...(ENTER YOUR NAME HERE), that's for YOU!

A glipse of honesty today...

2010-02-18T12:46:00.001-06:00

Ya know, I normally don't write about this stuff becuase I'm usually a pretty quiet, introspective person. But today, I'm just needing somewhere to put this. Needing somewhere to share this, so I figured here is the best place for it.

I'm just really struggling. I have been incredibly blessed with so much, so many opportunities while here at Olivet, with an incredible family, etc. But I'm reaching a point of feeling so lost, so alone, so afraid.

I'm assuming a lot of people feel like this around graduation, etc, but it's hit so hard right now for me. I'm so afraid for what's next. I feel like, although I've had some kind of direction a little bit (i.e. South Carolina stuff, etc), I'm taking random, blind stabs into the dark. I have NO idea what I'm getting myself into (that is, if I get accepted there). And if I do go, there's the whole leaving what I've always known. I don't really truly know that I will be ok to be hours upon hours away from my family, from what I know. I guess I'm just scared. No, I'm petrified. I'm afraid. I'm afraid of what I don't know. I'm afraid I won't measure up. I'm afraid I won't succeed. I'm afraid I'll fail. I'm just plain afraid. I've never been so unsure, so scared in my whole life.

I've fallen in love with a new song called "Until You" by Dave Barnes. While it is an incredible song, it hurts my heart to listen to it. It's a love song and part of the chorus says, "I need you now and forever, so stay right here with me. Don’t ever leave. Love was kept from me like a secret and I swore that I was through, Until you, until you". I know, I know God's timing is perfect. I know if I wait on Him, I'll be thankful I did. I know that His plan is better than my own. But honestly, I'm just struggling so much. I long so much for this in my life. I do trust Him that He has a plan that will be incredible, but I just wish that He would somehow make the desire in my heart for this diminish or fade or something until it is my time. I feel like rather than be managable or contained, the longing grows more and more, deeper and stronger, every single day. I don't mind waiting, but I just don't understand why this desire is so strong in me if He is calling me to wait longer. It's so hard.

I'm longing for community. I miss true community. I miss relationships where you are willing and able to be completely vulnerable, honest, yourself. I just miss that. I guess, if I have to word it, I'd just say I'm lonely. That's such an absurd concept to me. I'm literally constantly surrounded by a TON of people. I'm rarely, if ever, actually alone. But yet, my soul aches. My heart longs for community...

My heart is aching. My soul is more thirsty than it has ever been. I'm lonely. I'm desperate for something...

and I'm just so afraid...

My heart tonight

2010-02-15T21:34:00.000-06:00

"Sometimes my heart desires such selfish things. When the moment comes, help me to trust there's something better that you have for me, if I could just hold on to you enough.

I won't forget what your love means to me. You're always there to light my way.

Let my convictions never change, let my need for you remain..."

Needing Jesus tonight. In a real and fresh way.

Let my need for you remain...

Simple plea....

2010-01-28T07:17:00.000-06:00

"I lay myself at your feet, asking you, "Won't you meet me?"
I cannot do it on my own. I cannot do it on my own.

Here I am, with my arms open wide. Won't you come inside?

Lay myself at your feet, asking you, "Won't you meet, won't you meet me?"
I cannot do it on my own. I cannot do it on my own...

Come and fill this heart of mine. I'm in need, of your touch. Of your life. Of your love.
I need you. Oh, I need you..."
-Here I am, Shawn McDonald

Sometimes, the words of a song seem to be the only appropriate thing you can muster. This is where I am, needing Him, needing His touch. "Won't you meet me?"

It's Friday and I made it...somehow

2010-01-22T08:22:00.000-06:00

Here I am, sitting at work. Man, I thought last semester was busy? I don't know where my disillusion came from that this semester wouldn't be too crazy. I was wrong. I couldn't have been more wrong.

Tuesday and Thursdays I leave my apartment at 7:40am and am lucky if I'm back before 10pm. The only way I'm back before 10 is if my class gets out early. Mondays and Fridays are almost as bad. Wednesday mornings are my only reprieve, as long as I don't have another meeting or group project or something else that comes up. I work at the desk 5 days a week, still trying to cater, watch my niece once a week, and am somehow trying to still be a good R.A. I feel like I haven't seen my residents at all since we've come back. That's probably becuase I haven't. Aside from a passing "Hey", I really haven't even seen my roommates since Sunday, and it's Friday.

I know, I sound like I'm complaining. Forgive me. I shouldn't be, but I'm just tired. Not physically (although I'm tired that way too), but just overall tired. And the problem with that is that it's only the second week of classes. Is this how life is going to be? Always running ragged without a break? Always feeling as though I'm playing catch-up but never actually catching up?

I just need something. Need a fresh breath of something. Need a break of some-kind. I just need....rest. Not physical rest. I need true, life-giving, life-restoring, renewing rest.

I'm just so tired....

New Energy and renewal

2010-01-12T20:12:00.000-06:00

Today was a long day. My Tuesdays and Thursday are going to be pretty rough for me. I leave my apartment at 7:40am and won't be getting back until after 10:00pm. Days this long ware me out and drain me of all my energy. However, I'm feeling some new hope and renewal today.

I've been able to get my run in the past two days, as well as do my Biggest Loser Boot Camp DVD. Let me tell you, nothing has ever drained me of so much energy yet given me back so much energy ever in my whole life. I'm doing surprisingly well with my running, even getting over 2 miles in today in 20 minutes. For "real" runners that's nothing, but for this girl, that's huge :) Anyways, I've been listening to the new Kari Jobe worship cd while I'm running and working out. I think this has had a HUGE part in why I'm feeling some restoration. The cd is incredible and is constantly speaking so much truth into my life. Such a reminder of the truth I need to be hearing, remembering and holding to...

"I know that you are for me I know that you are for me. I know that you will never, forsake me in my weakness. I know that you have come now, even if to write upon my heart, to remind me who you are..."

Spoken for

2010-01-09T19:41:00.000-06:00

"To hear you say "this one's mine", my heart is spoken for..."

Having such a hard time with this lately. Need this reminder today. I am spoken for. I am cherished. I am spoken for. I am loved beyond all measure. I am spoken for...

Simple thought

2009-12-29T23:28:00.000-06:00

"People who are desperate for God's presence move beyond convenience and personal comfort. They have gotten hold of something in their spirit, and they cannot let go. Jesus is not a religious concept - He is reality"
-Desperate for His Presence, Rhonda Hughey

Just a quote I came across today. Struck a chord in me...

I. Have. The. Flu.

2009-12-24T21:20:00.000-06:00

It spread around my family. Started with Raegan, then to Andy, then to Bri, then to my dad, now to me. I haven't been so sick with such a violent flu in my whole life. I've only been awake for roughly an hour and a half all day. I'm going back to bed now.

My whole body aches. And I can't stay awake for the life of me.

Round Two

2009-12-23T10:05:00.000-06:00

Home is wonderful. My niece's one year birthday was yesterday, oh what a site that was to watch her try and devour her cake :)

Anyways, I'm slowly catching up on my sleep. Slowly but surely. It's been a little hard to do that since I'm working early mornings at the childcare, but I'm SO thankful to be able to do that. Those kids just bless me over and over :) Yesterday, one of my favorite almost 3 year olds (opps, I guess I shouldn't have favorites!) ran in my room, with his mom behind him, and said, "Look mom, look. Bertney's back (He just can't quite say Brittany hehe). Just melts my heart. How I love those kids :)

And now, I'm off for round two at the dentist. Not looking forward to it, they have about 2-3 hours of work they have to do on my mouth. Dumb tooth, crazy filling that fractured, and even more frustrating is the fact that because I'm diabetic, my teeth and gums just aren't strong enough to fight off cavities(I promise, I really do brush everyday :) ).

Ok well enough ranting about my distaste for the dentist...Time to get dressed and head out. When I get home, it's time to get to work on wrapping all these presents. I am still in SHOCK that Christmas is only 2 days away. I really don't know when that happened...

Sleep

2009-12-17T11:29:00.000-06:00

I'm home. I made it. The semester is over. I don't know how, but I made it with most of my sanity still intact.

I slept for a glorious 10 hours last night. That's more than I'd gotten in the previous 3 nights combined. Oh to be home again...

On another note, the house is not decorated one bit for Christmas. Kind of strange. They got the tree without me for the first time ever this year, but decided to wait for me to decorate :) I think that's what we're doing tonight. Oh Christmas at home...

Strange to think this could be my last holiday season to be here, living at home. Just puts reality into perspective again....Oh, that reminds me. I should be working on tie-ing up all these loose ends with my grad school application process.

Ok, I'm off. Maybe to be productive. Maybe to simply lay on the couch and read first. Both sound promising, but I have a feeling the second one may win, just maybe ;)

Keep Holdin' on...

2009-12-12T16:28:00.000-06:00

I'm still alive :)

Clearly, it's been a very stressful few days. But I'm hanging on :) I'm breathing...and I've even managed a smile a couple times today (including this morning when Jamie and Kirsten and I played the biggest prank on Leeanna and managed to do it successfully :) I've NEVER heard someone scream so loudly or for so long in their life!)

Anyways, just popping in to say I'm here, I'm alive, and I'm slowly but surely making it to Wednesday. I've only got about 4 papers left to write and two more tests to take and then I'm home free.

Still feeling overwhelmed and BEGGING for Jesus to move in a big way...but I'm at least feeling a little tiny bit more encouraged today and slightly less weighed down.

I can do this...I really can. It's going to be ok. I've just got to keep holding on...

Losing it...

2009-12-11T10:48:00.000-06:00

I'm about 27 seconds away from losing it...I'm overwhelemed. Needing Jesus to move in a big way. I have a heavy and unsettled heart. I just want to go sit in a corner and talk with Jesus for the whole day. I want to so badly. I need to. But I can't. I have a final in 2 hours.

I've never been so physcially anxious and mentally unprepared for a final in my life.

It's a good thing Wednesday is almost here. I'm not going to make it much longer....

Missing it all...

2009-12-08T11:37:00.000-06:00

Oh man...it's only 11:30am and I've already written 4 papers today...Feeling like I'm making a little progress on a very long list...Found out after my last post that I've got 2 more papers on top of those, as well as a comprehensive report from my ministry experience at Wildwood this semester...

*Remember to breathe Brittany...just remember to breathe*

Anyways, just a quick post today. Just missing the Bahamas today. Not because it snowed or its cold here (Although right about now, 110 degree weather sounds glorious). Just missing the kids down there. Missing their pure hearts, their sincere love, their genuine desire to live life to the fullest, every moment of every day for them.

Missing their innocence, their quick, yet soft, responses of excitement. My heart's heavy today..Just missing this....

Oh my...

2009-12-06T14:35:00.000-06:00

Well, sitting in church this morning, I couldn't pay attention becuase I was thinking about everything I have to do. I quickly pulled out some paper and wrote it all down, then was finally able to pay attention to the sermon once again....

However, this is the list I made. I'm really not sure how it's going to all get done in the next 8 days. While some of it is my fault for not keeping totally ontrack with assingments (for only one class), most of it is really not a result of my own procrastination. Oh Christmas break can't come quick enough. If' I seem absent from the world for the next 8 days, it may be becuase I'm drowning in all this mess....

4 assignments for my online class
3 final exam take-home questions for the same class
A final exam for the same class
3 movies to watch, write about for the same class

27 essay Questions for my abnormal psychology class
A regular test for the same class
A cumulative final exam for that class

3 articles to read and write about for Cognitive
A cumulative final for Cognitive

6 assigments for Psychotherapy
A final paper for Psychotherapy
4 Counseling Session write-ups for Psychothereapy

All while trying to live life, work, sleep(right...), invest in relationships, and stay sane...

Oh something's gotta give....

A Needed Whisper...

2009-11-30T21:41:00.000-06:00

I feel like so many of my posts are related to a song or lyrics to a song that I've heard. I've realized though that so often, songs are the only way I seem to listen to what God has been trying to tell me for far too long. Know that listening is something I've really been needing to work on. It's hard to hear amidst all the "noise" in my life...that may be the first place I need to start: clearing away some of that noise...something I'm working on. It's a hard process, but such a needed one...

Anyways, that's not what this post is about. Sometimes lryics themselves just hit me. Other times, like the one I'm about to share, God uses certain lyrics to show me something, teach me, etc. So let me start with a little background...

This weekend, I was able to get to travel to see some friends. It was a spontaneous trip, and one that I really enjoyed and was thankful for. Sunday morning after getting ready for church, I was reading my Bible and journaling, just thinking about how truly blessed I am with my family, friends, etc. At one point, I looked up and saw a collage of pictures that is made up of pictures of the two of them (they just got married recently). As I looked at it, I was overcome with this sense of gratitude. That may sound funny, but I couldn't help but think about how thankful I was in that moment to be able to see their love for each other and their genuine desire to walk through this life together. I began to think about how faithful God is and how He really is working all the time, even when we don't see it or ignore it.
Shortly after, I began to think about just how many times in the last few months I've felt so frustrated becuase I am still single. In the last 4 months or so, 5 of my close friends here at Olivet have gotten engaged. In the last 11 months, I've gone to 7 weddings. Nothing like constant reminders, right? Well, that's been my thought through a lot of it. Don't get me wrong, I was thrilled for each of those friends, but it just seemed to be getting harder rather than easier. So sitting on their couch yesterday morning, I was processing through that all. God reminded me in such a small whisper, "Remember my faithfulness". Hearing that, and reflecting about all that i was thinking about, I realized that if I trust Him to be faithful, He is. I have no need to worry, to doubt, to fear, etc. Yes, I am longing for the day when it's "my turn", and that longing isn't wrong. Christ has created me with that desire, but when I put that desire above my desire to Him or to be in the center of His will or His timing, that's where I go wrong...

So fast forward with me about an hour, and now I'm sitting in the sanctuary at Bedford, engaged in worship. There was such a sweet humblness to the worship set, it was just an incredible time of worship. As we're singing, I'm still processing through the thoughts I had been thinking about earlier that morning. As a new song came on, I was forced to just listen at first becuase I had never heard it. And in that moment, the moment of my silence, the moment of no other "noise" Jesus reminded me of something that I've seem to have lost sight of. The song is called "Always Forever" by Phil Wickham...

"You are the hand that catches my fall. You are the friend that answers my call. You are my day,
You are my night. You are my love and all of my life

You are the love I need. You are the air I breathe. You are my love, my life, always forever
I would lay down my life. Just to be by Your side. You are my love, my life, always forever

You are the grace that covers my sin, You’re everything the beginning and end
You have my soul, my heart and my mind. You have my love and all of my life"

I realized in that moment that He really is all of those things...but I haven't let Him be. This should be my song that is constantly on my lips, the song I declare. Sitting there, tears in my eyes, he also gently spoke to my heart, to that longing I have, saying "I want to sing this back to you...but you haven't let me. Do you realize that you are my love...always forever?". As cliche as that sounds, it reawakened something in me that I feel I've missed the last few months...He really is my love, my life. Not only should that be the song I sing, it's the song He's singing over me...constantly

An off day....

2009-11-19T21:56:00.000-06:00

Ever have a day when you feel like you simply woke up in a bad mood and then the rest of the day followed in the same pattern?

That was today for me. Can't really put my finger on why, just one of those days I guess. It's so out of character for me so I hate days like that, feel so out of place, so grouchy, so easily annoyed...

It may be partially due to the massive pile of homework I have to get done, or due to the GRE studying I need to do or do to the application I have to re-fill out or due to the cold I'm getting...

or maybe, it's just one of those days.

Tomorrow's a new day, right? Yes, I'm determined, tomorrow is a new day and I will be in a much better mood...even if I have to fake it ;)

Now I'm off to put on some Christmas music and take a crack at this homework pile...

Shadowfeet...

2009-11-08T16:18:00.000-06:00

"When the world is falling out from underneath,
I'll be found in you, still standing.
Every ~~fear and accusation~~ under my feet,
I'll be found in you....

YOU MAKE ALL THINGS NEW. YOU MAKE ALL THINGS NEW.
YOU MAKE ALL THINGS NEW. YOU MAKE ALL THINGS NEW..."
-Shadowfeet, Brooke Fraser

*Just the song, actually just the chorus, on my heart today, the hope I'm holding to, the words I'm singing over and over in my head...I'm being made new daily, and sometimes, I just need to be reminded of the truth in that statement... YOU MAKE ALL THINGS NEW...

God's hand is moving...

2009-11-06T13:54:00.001-06:00

This week has been such a blur...there's so much happening, God is moving, God is working, God is guiding and directing and leading. A week that started out as normal and complacent has ended with renewed hope, excitement and direction.
     At the start of the week, I was pretty sure that I was just going to stay here at Olivet for grad school. Every time someone would ask me what my plans were, I found myself explaining that I was going to stay here, "even though I wasn't excited about it". My explanation for why I had decided to stay here usually followed, as I seemingly tried to justify what seemed to me to be a decision I was almost dreading rather than looking forward to. I'd spent a couple of weeks lately looking into other grad schools, trying to figure out what my other options were. Some I looked at just on a whim, others I was seriously considering becuase they seemed to "make sense".
   So this was the heaviness that seemed to be surrounding me as I sat down and had a conversation with a dear friend over Skype (so thankful for technology these days :) ). As she asked about grad school stuff, I answered with the usual lack of enthusiasm I had grown accustomed to that I mentioned above. We also talked about the downsides of staying here (not accredited, very limited in where my degree would be useable, etc) and she very gently, yet very firmly reminded me that I should not stay here simply as a fallback or becuase it's familiar (didn't use those words exactly, but that was the gist of it).
   As we continued talking, I mentioned a couple schools that I had looked into, one being in South Carolina (which is where they live). Angela then told me that USC (the school that I had been researching) has an extension site in Aiken, where they live. So as we were talking I was checking it out, not really expecting to find my program there since it's just an extension site. However, they have a master's program in "Master of Science Degree in Applied Clinical Psychology". Overall, this qualifies me to be a school counselor, a family/marriage therapist or a counselor in general. AND they're an accredited school (unlike Olivet :( ). The program is a two year program, and is comparable to Olivet's Tuition rate. And the best thing, I was acutally excited, almost giddy, as I researched it more and more. Angela then shared with me about the huge need that Aiken has for case workers (about the only job my undergrad degree qualifies me for at the moment).
   I take the GRE December 5th. My application will be done and turned in by the end of next week. My reference forms are already being filled out. My transcript is on it's way to the school. I'm amazed at how quickly I've finished a lot of the needed "things" to do before I know for sure. I'm just so excited to know that this is such a big possibility. All of this to say, I'm not walking around with my head in the clouds, but I feel like this could be a huge opportunity. In reality, I miss home but on the other hand, I also want to walk in the direction God is calling and get the next step to my career started. My heart is excited, anticipating, and hopeful at the possibility of this. I think for me, one of the coolest things about this has been God's faithfulness.
   When Angela first told me they were moving to S.C. to start a church, I was excited for them but so sad becuase of how far it is from me. Angela has played a HUGE role in my life and truly has become such a big part of the community that I long for, the community we were created to live in (that I talked about in my last post). As I was praying for them that day and for God's provision for them, God gently spoke to me and said, "Brittany, be faithful in prayer for them and I will be faithful to you. Watch. Wait. I'm not done with your relationship with them yet. Let me work it out. Trust me...". That day in my quiet time I decided to do just that, to continue to pour into my friendship with them and to let God work. The night I skyped with Angela this week, after we "hung up" I was praying and Jesus reminded me so gently of that moment, that promise He made. I'm anxious in anticipation to see how this continues to work, and to know that this very thing may have been what he was planning all along...

Wow...know this was a long entry and I feel like I still didn't do it justice of relying God's working and leading...but all I know is I am hopeful, expectant and continuing to walk as He leads and clears the way...

Walking...

2009-11-01T22:33:00.000-06:00

I'm struggling tonight....can't pinpoint it exactly, just struggling.

Thinking about where I'm headed. Thinking about what I've been blessed with. Thinking about what seems to be the HUGE gap between where I thought I'd be right now and where I actually am. Thinking about exactly I go about putting my own will aside and desiring God's with all I am.

I'm thankful for my friends here at Olivet. But it's nights like tonight that I long, ache, yearn to live in the true community I've been able to experience with a few people in my life.Don't get me wrong, my friends, my roommates, my ra team, they're all incredible. They are such true blessings in my life....But I long just to be with the people who walk together on this journey. Hard to put into words and I feel like I may not even be making much sense. I just wish I could sit with some of those close friends now, sitting around a campfire, sharing life. Sharing the struggles, the joys, the fears and the journey....

Guess I'm just feeling such a need to just be vulnerable, to share my heart, to walk together....

I have this fear...

2009-10-28T09:58:00.000-05:00

So I have this fear. It's one I've known about for a while, probably the majority of my life actually, but it's alson one that I'm recently realizing I let consume me for a long time.

I have a fear of failing. Along with that fear comes the fear of letting others down, the fear of not measuring up, the fear of never being good enough, the fear of just plain failing.

Satan knows that specific fear is present in my life and has all too often taken it to the extreme. He uses it to speak lies to me about my failure, about my short comings, about my unworthiness to be used by God. I get so frustrated with myself when I buy into those lies, when I let his lies affect who I am and where I stand...

Anyways, I know my God is bigger than the lies Satan tells. I know that God is bigger than the battle. I know that without Him, I really would fail. I know that WITH him, I am not a failure. I know that BECAUSE of Him, I don't have to fear all of those things Satan tempts me with. I just wish that sometimes it wasn't so easy to forget those things....

My new favorite song for the past month or so has been "Fail us Not" by 1000 generations. I love it. It speaks so much truth to who I am and my constant need to be reminded of how Big our God is. Listen to it Here. Whatever will come, He really will rise above. The most comforting line for me in that song is the first one: "Failure doesn't phase you".

My prayer has become that when Satan brings those lies to mind, when he plays into my fear, magnifying it and rising more fear in me, that the words of this song would become my prayer at that very moment..."There is nothing above you. There is nothing beyond you. There is nothing that you can't do. Whatever will come, we'll rise above. You fail us not, You fail us not"

Just a thought...

2009-10-24T21:12:00.000-05:00

   Walking through campus today, I was reminded of a simple, yet so complex truth/reality. It is simple: If God wasn't working, I wouldn't be here. Such a simple truth, but something I all to quickly forget.
   I was journaling the other day in my quiet time about how I'm feeling like I'm simply "stuck" in the monotony of this life right now. Lately, I just can't seem to shake the feeling that I wake up every morning, feeling the same as I had the day before, wondering when things will change: change in direction for after graduation, change in this crazy health stuff, change in my relationship status, etc.
      Regardless of the change that I'm wanting, hoping for, aching for, even if I don't exactly feel like God is moving, He is. If He wasn't, I would be here, at Olivet, finishing up my senior year. If He wasn't working, I wouldn't have just (finally) had a positive doctor's appointment for once. If He wasn't working, I wouldn't have incredible friends. If He wasn't working, I wouldn't have the incredible roommates I do that challenge me and pray for me and encourage me to grow.
   Why does it seem to easy to miss the little ways He's working and focus only on what seems like the big ways He's not? Why, just becuase things aren't happening as I think they should or as I'd like them to in my own time line, do I think that that means that He's simply not working? More importantly, why, instead of seeking Him and his direction, would I rather just sit back at concentrate on being "stuck"?
   Regardless of the way He's working, He IS working. I need to stop looking at things in my own view, my own wants, my own timeline, and start seeing the things He IS doing....

Though I'm Not Worthy....

2009-10-20T21:16:00.000-05:00

I'm learning and being broken in the process...I don't know why I seem to always quickly rebuild the walls that take so long for God to tear down. Feeling such an unworthiness today, an overwhelming sense of just being incomplete...Singing this song, not knowing how else to describe what it is I'm feeling...

"Though I'm not worthy to see your precious face, I bow before thee pour out your holy grace
For you alone can wash my sin, And cleanse my soul so deep within.

Heal me, wash me in your mercy. Mend these broken pieces of my heart
Love me though I am not worthy. Cleanse my soul and make me whole again
Only say the word and I shall be healed."

Your Name

2009-10-18T16:31:00.000-05:00

"Your name is a strong and Mighty tower,
Your name, is a shelter like no other.
Your name, let the nations sing it louder,
Nothing has the power to save but your name..."

I was feeling so great at the beginning of this week. Feeling his peace, his joy, his restoration and his renewal as I got back from break and headed into this week. I was doing all I could to hold onto that vision of HIS glory, the comfort of HIS holding me, and peace of his leading. He was, and still is, faithful to continue to walk with me as I moved through the week, but that peace, that joy needed reviving today.
It's been such a hard couple of days, for a lot of different reasons, including a small car accident, a financial strain that seems to be burdening me more than it should be, and some other small things that just seem to have successfully shadowed over the joy and peace I had coming into this week. But as I sat down at the computer to work on some much dreaded homework this song above was playing on my itunes and when I went to turn off the music, Jesus reminded me in such a still, small voice that I needed to be still before HIM and listen....and as these words were sung, he kept whispering, "It's my name, it's me. Let me be your tower, let me be your shelter. It's in me you're going to find your rest..."

My desire, my goal is to keep pushing, keep trusting, keep holding onto the Joy he's given me. I don't want that peace to be overshadowed by the "mess" of a few rough days. So until I see the joy again, I'm clinging to what I know is true. His hand, leading me, and His name being the strong tower I am needing so much in my life....t

How He Loves

2009-10-15T00:08:00.000-05:00

So here I go again...starting this blog thing, again, for what seems like the 5th time. I really loved my xanga, but just got away from it. But even so, I've been longing for a place to share my thoughts, my worries, what God is doing, etc. I'm excited for this again, excited to write, and read, about what God is doing and how He's working....Long story short, I've just missed this!

It's past midnight and I'm exhausted and needing sleep soon, but even as I sit here, I'm just reminded of the LOVE, pure, undeserved, unchanging LOVE He has for me. Just listening to the David Crowder song, "How He Loves" is just refreshing me, renewing me, in the way God has been doing all weekend and week long...

"And Heaven meets earth like an unforseen kiss and my heart beats violently inside of my Chest. I don't have time to maintain these regrets when I think about the way He loves us..."